Vertamae Grosvenor searched for answers to her young grandson‘s questions of "why?" when his father died. Grosvenor took her grandson, Oscar, to Oaxaca, Mexico, where death, in its celebratory symbols and rituals, is 1)inescapable. He found 2)solace in performing caretaking rituals in a cemetery and building an altar to his father, and in seeing others grieving for their ancestors alongside him. Oscar found comfort in everyone being "even."
You can read the transcript:
ALEX CHADWICK, HOST: In the summer of last year, the son-in-law of NPR‘s Vertamae Grosvenor was killed in a 3)head-on car crash with a drunken driver. It happened before dawn on the day that Vertamae was to have put her then-8-year-old grandson on a flight to Chicago where his father would have been waiting.
She struggled with how to help the child bear the loss of his father. And she decided to turn to a culture different from her own.
VERTAMAE GROSVENOR, NPR REPORTER: My son-in-law Beau, as he was called, was a musician, a bass player. When his son and namesake Oscar asked why, why did this happen to my dad, I choked, remembering as a child how my elders were able to utter words of solace with ease and certainly, but I couldn‘t. I felt that meaningful answers to Oscar‘s "why?" required a faith deeper than I had at the time.
One night, weeks after Beau‘s memorial service, I woke from the deepest part of sleep with Oaxaca on my mind. Shortly after my mother passed in 1993, I went to Oaxaca, Mexico on assignment during the Days of the Dead celebration. Death was everywhere in Oaxaca. It was impossible to avoid a direct confrontation. And yet, I came away comforted.
So, hoping to make it better, I decided to take my grandson Oscar to Oaxaca.
Death was everywhere in Oaxaca. In the markets, vendors sell 4)crystallized sugar skulls with 5)sequined eyes, chocolate coffins, 6)clay 7)skeletons. Death designs cut out of flowing colored tissue paper dance around the city. 8)Murals and paintings display death with a thousand different faces. There are altars and offerings for the dead in restaurants, churches, homes and hotels.
In our hotel room, we built an alter for Beau, made of bought things from the market in Oaxaca and treasured things that we‘d carried with us from home. It was Oscar‘s first altar.
OSCAR, GRANDSON OF VERTAMAE GROSVENOR: I kind of like it that―about the altar, because I, I put a lot of nice things, like my necklace that has Jesus being born, on it. And I was gonna put my watch, but since I put my necklace there it won‘t fit. I hope that my dad will come to eat some candy or stuff, and he could probably smell all these flowers from up where he is. So, I hope my dad could find the altar, wherever he is.
GROSVENOR: The ancients believed life is the dream from which death awakens us. When I read they buried food, drink, and personal belongings with their dead, I recalled a similar custom among my people, the Gullahs, who call a funeral service a "home going."
PABLO, CEMETERY VIGIL GUIDE: We‘re in hoho. Hoho in Oaxaca. These mystical people who come to welcome the souls of the relatives. And then to―so, when they arrive, they, they, they have to feel the grace beautifully decorated, and of course candles, flowers. And the whole family is waiting for them.
GROSVENOR: Pablo is our guide at the cemetery 9)vigil for the dead.
PABLO: To get to the cemetery, we must go this route.
GROSVENOR: This way, OK.
The sweet scent of the flowers and the sharp smell of the 10)incense and wood smoke fill the air. Lamp and candle flames turn the dark night orange red. The graves are 11)adorned with the favorite things of the departed. And flowers, flowers, and flowers. Oscar discovers some placed too close to the candles.
OSCAR: Yeah, this one‘s burning those top leaves down. See, this one‘s burning them. This one‘s burning those.
PABLO: OK, so I‘ll fix this one and you go around and fix the other one.
GROSVENOR: No one seems to mind Oscar and Pablo moving among the graves, putting out flower fires.
PABLO: OK, yes. That‘s better now. Can you move the―can you move the candle a little bit toward me?
OSCAR: No.
PABLO: No. It‘s…
GROSVENOR: Move the candle a little bit, Oscar.
OSCAR: Perfect. I saved it.
PABLO: OK.
GROSVENOR: You saved it.
PABLO: Yes. Great.
OSCAR: But now…
GROSVENOR: Family reunions are going on all over the cemetery. People are talking, eating, and communing with their relatives, living and dead.
OSCAR: They‘re feeling what I‘m feeling, but in a different way, because somebody else died in their family. And I think they‘re under a lot of stress, too. So, everybody here is even.
GROSVENOR: Back at the hotel, I ask Oscar what he meant by being "even."
OSCAR: Everybody lost a mother or father or aunt when they get real, real old. Or they could die in a car accident like my dad, or they could die from breast cancer like my auntie, or they could just die normally like my great,great grandmother. It‘s kind of hard to go through with whoever died and can do it, you gotta―you just gotta go on and go on and go on. You can never give up on your ancestors.
GROSVENOR: I came to Oaxaca hoping to make it better, hoping to help Oscar find an answer to why death came for his dad. We left Oaxaca without answers, but we came away comforted.
Did you feel his presence any time you were here?
OSCAR: Yeah.
GROSVENOR: When?
OSCAR: When I was sleeping, I felt something scratching me, and I wasn‘t.
GROSVENOR: What do you mean?
OSCAR: When I was asleep, I, like, felt some―a wet, some wet things, like on my cheek right here and―and I felt something wrap around me like this. And that‘s, I think it was my dad giving me a hug and a kiss good night.
當小孫子奧斯卡問到他的父親為什么會死去的時候，維塔美?格羅夫納無言以對。于是她把奧斯卡帶到墨西哥的奧薩卡小鎮――在那里死亡無處不在，人們反而以各種儀式來慶祝死亡。在那里，奧斯卡參加了祭奠儀式，并為父親設置了一個祭壇，也看到了其他同樣因為失去親人而悲傷的人。因為意識到生死對每個人都是公平的，奧斯卡因此感到了安慰。
你可以閱讀下面的錄音資料。
主持人，亞歷克斯?查德威克：去年夏天，國家廣播電臺維塔美?格羅夫納的女婿在與一位醉酒駕車的司機發生相撞事故中死亡。意外發生在黎明時分，那天維塔美本來正準備把8歲大的奧斯卡送上前往芝加哥的飛機，他父親本來是要去接機的。
她一直在設法幫助孩子接受父親去世的事實，最后她決定向一種截然不同的文化求助。
維塔美?格羅夫納，國家廣播電臺記者：我的女婿比奧是音樂家，一名貝司手。當奧斯卡問我為什么災難會發生在他父親身上時，我啞口無言。我還是小孩子的時候，我的長輩們可以很自如地安慰我，跟我解釋生與死的奧秘。可我卻無法做到，我覺得要更有說服力地回答奧斯卡的“為什么”，需要一種更深的信念。
在比奧舉殯幾個星期后的一天晚上，我從熟睡中驚醒，腦海里一直浮想著奧薩卡鬼節的情景。在1993年母親剛去世的時候，我碰巧出差到奧薩卡，恰逢當地人在慶祝鬼節。死亡在奧薩卡無所不在，讓人根本無法回避。但是，在那里我卻得到安慰，并輕松愉快地離開。
于是，我決定帶奧斯卡去奧薩卡，希望他也可以覺得好過一些。
奧薩卡到處是與死亡相關的東西。在集市里，小販售賣砂糖制成的帶著金屬眼睛的頭骨，巧克力棺材和黏土骷髏，連紙巾也印著死亡圖案，壁畫和繪畫作品更展現著死神千變萬化的面貌。無論是餐館，教堂，酒店還是平常人的家里，都有紀念逝者的祭壇和祭品。
在酒店的房間里，我們用從集市上買回來的物品為比奧做了一個祭壇，用來安放我們從家鄉帶來的珍貴紀念品。這是奧斯卡的第一個祭壇。
奧斯卡，維塔美?格羅夫納的孫子：我挺喜歡那個祭壇的，因為我在上面放了許多寶貝，像我的項鏈，上面畫了基督出生的情景。本來還想放上我的手表的，但是放了項鏈就不夠位置了。我希望我的爸爸能享用一些糖果或是其他的祭品，他或許可以聞到那些鮮花的香味。總之，不管我爸爸在哪里，我希望他可以找到我的祭壇。
格羅夫納：古人相信人生是一場夢，直至死亡把我們喚醒。當我從書上看到他們把食物，飲料和個人物品與死者一起埋葬的時候，我不由想起我的族人，我們嘎勒黑人把葬禮稱作“回家”。
帕布羅，守墓人：我們在霍荷卡姆，在奧薩卡的霍荷卡姆。這些神秘的人在這里歡迎我們親友的亡靈。當他們來到時，必須能感受到優雅的裝飾，當然還要有蠟燭和鮮花，以及一家人正在等待著他們。
格羅夫納：帕布羅是我們的守墓人。
帕布羅：到墓地我們必須走這條路。
格羅夫納：這邊，對。
空氣中彌漫著花朵的甜香和熏煙的濃香，燈光和燭光把夜空映成桔紅色。墳墓前擺著死者生前最喜歡的東西，還有許許多多的鮮花。奧斯卡發現有些花放得太靠近蠟燭了。
奧斯卡：看，上面的葉子被燒掉了，這些也是，那些也是。
帕布羅：我來整理這個，你去弄那個。
格羅夫納：沒有人介意奧斯卡和帕布羅在墓地里走來走去，撲滅花朵上的火苗。
帕布羅：好，現在好多了。你可以把蠟燭朝我這邊挪過來一點嗎?
奧斯卡：不。
帕布羅：不，那是……
格羅夫納：把蠟燭移過來一點，奧斯卡。
奧斯卡：太好了，我救了它。
帕布羅：行了。
格羅夫納：你救了它。
帕布羅：對，太棒了。
奧斯卡：可是現在……
格羅夫納：墓地是一家團聚的地方，人們在這里聊天、聚餐、與親人相聚，超越生死。
奧斯卡：我們的感受是大同小異的，因為都有親人逝世。我想他們也承受了巨大的壓力。所以，在這里人人平等。
格羅夫納：回到酒店后，我問奧斯卡他說的“平等”是什么意思。
奧斯卡：每個人在變得真的很老的時候，都會失去媽媽，或者爸爸，或者阿姨。他們可能會像我爸爸一樣在交通事故中死去，或者像我阿姨一樣死于乳癌，或者像我曾祖母一樣自然地死亡。面對親人的離開真的很難過，但是我們必須堅持下來，絕對不可以放棄。
格羅夫納：我來奧薩卡是希望心情會好些，幫助奧斯卡找到“為什么”的答案。我們在離開的時候還沒有找到確切的答案，可是感到寬慰。
在這里，你曾經感受到他的存在嗎?
奧斯卡：是的。
格羅夫納：什么時候?
奧斯卡：在我睡覺的時候，我感覺到有東西在碰我，可是事實上沒有。
格羅夫納：什么意思?
奧斯卡：睡覺的時候，我的臉頰感覺濕濕的，還有什么東西環繞著我。我想那是爸爸在擁抱我，吻我，祝我晚安。
