Every Day is A Gift

My brother-in-law opened the bottom drawer of my sister’s bureau and lifted out a tissue-wrapped package. "This", he said, "is not a slip. This is lingerie." He discarded the tissue and handed me the slip.

It was exquisite, silk, handmade and trimmed with a cobweb of lace. The price tag with an astronomical figure on it was still attached.

"Jan bought this the first time we went to New York, at least 8 or 9 years ago. She never wore it. She was saving it for a special occasion.

Well, I guess this is the occasion.

He took the slip from me and put it on the bed, with the other clothes we were taking to the mortician. His hands lingered on the soft material for a moment, then he slammed the drawer shut and turned to me, "Don’t ever save anything for a special occasion. Every day you’ re alive is a special occasion."

I remembered those words through the funeral and the days that followed when I helped him and my niece attend to all the sad chores that follow an unexpected death. I thought about them on the plane returning to California from the midwestern town where my sister’s family lives. I thought about all the things that she hadn’t seen or heard or done. I thought about the things that she had done without realizing that they were special.

I’m still thinking about his words, and they’ve changed the weeds in the garden. I’m spending more time with my family and friends and less time in committee meetings. Whenever possible, life should be a pattern of experience to savour, not endure. I’m trying to recognize these moment now and cherish them.

I’m not "saving" anything; we use our good china and crystal for every special. Event such as losing a pound, getting the sink unstopped, the first camellia blossom… I wear my good blazer to the market if I feel like it. My theory is if I look prosperous, I can shell out $28. 49 for one small bag of groceries without wincing. I’m not saving my good perfume for special parties; clerks in hardware stores and tellers in banks have noses that function as well as my party going friends.

"Someday" and "one of these days" are losing their grip on my vocabulary. If it’s worth seeing or hearing or doing, I want to see and hear and do it now. I’m not sure what my sister would’ve done had she know that she wouldn’t be here for the tomorrow we all take for granted.

I think she would have called family members and a few close friends. She might have called a few former friends to apologize, and mend fences for past squabbles. I like to think she would have gone out for a Chinese dinner, her favorite food. I’m guessing. I’ll never know.

It’s those little things left undone that would make me angry if I knew that my hours were limited. Angry because I put off seeing good friends whom I was going to get in touch with someday. Angry because I hadn’t written certain letters that I intended to write one of these days. Angry and sorry that I didn’t tell my husband and daughter often enough how much I truly love them.

I’m trying very hard not to put off, hold back, or save anything that would add laughter and luster to our lives. And every morning when I open my eyes, I tell myself that every day, every minute, every breath truly, is... a gift from God.

妹夫打開了妹妹衣柜最底層抽屜，拿出一個用紙包裝的包裹。“這個，”他說，“不是件普通內衣，而是一件豪華內衣。”他把薄紙撕開，遞給了我那件內衣。

它的確精致無比，絲質、全手工縫制，周圍還有一圈網狀蕾絲花邊。價簽都尚未拆去，上面的數字高得驚人。

“這是我們第一次去紐約時簡買的，至少已是八、九年前的事了。她從沒有穿過它。她想等一個特殊的日子再穿它。”

唉，我想現在便是那特殊的日子了。

妹夫從我手中拿過內衣放在床上，和其他我們要帶給殯儀服務人員的衣服放在一起。他的手在那柔軟織物上徘徊了一會兒，隨即砰然關上抽屜，轉身對我說：“永遠不要把任何東西留給什么特殊日子。你活著的每一天就是一個特殊的日子。”

這兩句話久久在我耳邊回響著，伴我度過了葬禮和幫妹夫、侄女處理妹妹意外死亡后的傷心后事的那幾天。我從位處中西部的妹妹家返回加州時，在飛機上還是在想這兩句話。我想到妹妹未曾有機會看到、聽到或去做的事。我想到她淡然做過，但卻沒有意識到其特殊性的事。

我至今還在想著妹夫說的話，正是它們改變了我的心境。我花了更多的時間與家人朋友在一起，而少花些時間在那些工作會議上。無論何時，生活應當是一種“品味”而非一種“忍受”。我在學習欣賞每一刻，并珍惜每一刻。

我不再去“珍藏”任何東西;只要有一點好事，我們就不吝嗇使用精美的瓷器和水晶制品，比如說當體重減了一磅時，當廚房水槽堵塞通了時，當第一朵山茶花綻放時……如果我想穿，我就穿上我名牌衣服去市場購物。我的理論是：如果我看上去還富足的話，我可以毫不心疼地為一小袋雜貨付出28.49美元。我不再為特殊的派對而珍藏我上好的香水;五金店售貨員和銀行出納員們的嗅覺，不會比派對上朋友們來得差。

“有朝一日”和“終有一天”這樣的詞正從我的常用詞匯中淡出。如果值得去看、去聽或去做，我當即就要去看、去聽或去做。人們總是理所當然的以為自己必然有明天，不知假如妹妹知道她將沒有明日，她會做些什么。

我想她會給家人和幾位密友打電話。她可能還會給幾位昔日朋友打電話主動道歉，摒棄前嫌。我想她可能會外出吃頓她喜歡的中餐。我只是猜想而已。我永遠也不會知道。

假如我知道我的時間不多了，那些沒來得及做的小事會讓我惱火。惱火是因為我一拖再拖沒能去看看“有朝一日”會去看的好友們。惱火是因為我還沒有寫出我“終有一天”要寫的信。惱火與內疚是因為我沒能更經常地告訴我的丈夫和女兒：我是多么真切地愛他們。

我正努力不再拖延、保留或珍藏那些能給我們生活帶來歡笑和光彩的東西。每天清晨當我睜開雙眼，我便告訴自己每一天、每一分鐘、每一瞬間都真是……上帝賜予的禮物。