The day my fiancé fell to his death, it started to snow, just like any November day, just like the bottom hadn't fallen out of my world when he freefell off the roof. His body, when I found it, was lightly covered with snow. It snowed almost every day for the next four months, while I sat on the couch and watched it pile up.One morning, I shuffled downstairs and was startled to see a snowplow clearing my driveway and the bent back of a woman shoveling my walk. I dropped to my knees, crawled through the living room, and back upstairs so those good Samaritans would not see me. I was mortified. My first thought was, how would I ever repay them? I didn't have the strength to brush my hair let alone shovel someone's walk.
Before Jon's death, I took pride in the fact that I rarely asked for help or favors. I defined myself by my competence and independence. So who was I if I was no longer capable and busy? How could I respect myself if all I did was sit on the couch everyday and watch the snow fall?
Learning how to receive the love and support that came my way wasn't easy. Friends cooked for me and I cried because I couldn't even help them set the table. "I'm not usually this lazy," I wailed. Finally, my friend Kathy sat down with me and said, "Mary, cooking for you is not a chore. I love you and I want to do it. It makes me feel good to be able to do something for you."
Over and over, I heard similar sentiments from the people who supported me during those dark days. One very wise man told me, "You are not doing nothing. Being fully open to your grief may be the hardest work you will ever do."
I am not the person I once was, but in many ways I have changed for the better. The fabric of my life is now woven with gratitude and humility. I have been surprised to learn that there is incredible freedom that comes from facing one's worst fear and walking away whole. I believe there is strength in surrender.
我未婚夫去世的那天，天開始下雪，就仿佛是十一月某個(gè)普通的一天，就仿佛當(dāng)他從房頂上跌下時(shí)，我的世界并沒有垮塌。當(dāng)我發(fā)現(xiàn)他時(shí)，他的身體上上已經(jīng)薄薄的蓋上了一層雪花。 之后的四個(gè)月，差不多每個(gè)月都在下雪，而我就坐在沙發(fā)上，看著雪一點(diǎn)點(diǎn)堆積起來。
一天早上，我慢吞吞的下樓，卻吃驚的發(fā)現(xiàn)一臺(tái)掃雪機(jī)正在清掃我的車道，還有一個(gè)女人正彎腰鏟去走道上的雪。我感到十分羞愧。為了不讓外面的好心人看到，我跪在地上，爬著穿過客廳，回到樓上。我首先想到的就是，怎樣才能回報(bào)他們?我情緒低落得連梳頭的力氣都沒，更別說幫別人鏟雪了。
Jon去世之前，，我把自己定位成一個(gè)獨(dú)立的，能干的人，我因?yàn)楹苌僬?qǐng)求別人的幫助和關(guān)心而自豪。如果我不再忙碌，不再能干，那么我是誰?如果我整天蜷在沙發(fā)上看著窗外飄落的雪花，我拿什么獲得自尊?
學(xué)習(xí)怎樣接受別人的愛和幫助并不簡單。朋友們?yōu)槲易鲲垼铱蘖耍驗(yàn)槲疑踔敛荒軒退麄償[餐具。“我通常不是這樣懶惰的”我哀泣道。后來，我朋友Kathy坐在我旁邊，安慰我說：“Mary，為你做飯并不是個(gè)負(fù)擔(dān)。我愛你，我很愿意為你做飯，能夠幫上忙讓我感覺很好。”
那些幫助我度過人生中的黑暗時(shí)刻的人們，一次又一次的用充滿感情的話來安慰我。一個(gè)很睿智的人告訴過我：“你并不是無所事事，完全的無保留的直面痛苦，可能是最難做的事。”
我已經(jīng)不是以前的我，很多方面我變得更好。現(xiàn)在，我生命的錦緞是由感恩和謙恭織成的。我很驚奇地了解到，當(dāng)你面對(duì)自己最痛苦的最可怕的經(jīng)歷，堅(jiān)強(qiáng)的挺過來，你會(huì)感受到難以置信的自由。我相信當(dāng)你直面現(xiàn)實(shí)，你會(huì)獲得力量。(there is strength in surrender，我認(rèn)為surrender是前文open to grief的意思)
