How to Be a Good Listener
When I first went to London as a student I sat alone during parties with my glass of wine. I hoped people would think that someone might come up to me and say, “Excuse me! I hope you won’t mind my coming up to you like this, I don’t want to interrupt your thoughts… but really, you are the only interesting looking person in the room! May I talk to you?”
It never happened!
Here is some advice if you would like to be a good conversationalist: be an attentive listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves. To be interesting, be interested! Ask questions that other people will enjoy answering. Encourage hem to talk about themselves and what they have done.
Remember that the people you are talking to are a hundred times more interested in themselves and their problems than they are in you and your problems. A person’s toothache means more to that person than a famine in China which kills 1 million people. A pain in one’s arm interests one more than 40 earthquake in Africa. Think of that the next time you start a conversation.
Diogenes, the Greek philosopher who is supposed to have lived in a barrel, said, “The reason why we have two ears and only one mouth is so that we may listen more and talk less!”
Do you know how to get on with people? Do you ever feel shy? What situation makes you shy? Do you sometimes feel as if you don’t know how to interest and amuse people and have conversations with them? Do you search desperately in your head for something to say? Do people find an excuse to leave you as soon as they can?
Try listening! Here are some more recommendations about listening: (A neighbor of mine talking about her child) ‘One evening last week I was sitting with Hannah, and she said to me, “You are a marvelous mum!” And I said, “Well do you say that suddenly?” And she said, “Well, although you are always busy you always stop what you are doing to listen to me.”’(From How to Talk your Way to Success in Selling) ‘You have to force your buyer to talk … to enter the conversation… if you expect to talk your way to successful sale. The only way you can do this is to stop talking yourself and listen.’
“Give every man thine ear, but few thy voice.” (From Hamlet)
Airline employees are taught how to listen to complaints. If they are able to show sympathy and to listen long enough the passenger’s problem will begin to seem less important.
Psychologists, counselors and doctors also know that listening is part of their job. If they listen with care and concern the patient may even solve the problem! They are professional listeners. Here is some advice they give.
I: Show the other person that you are listening.
II: Look at them.
III: Smile and nod quite often.
IV: and shake you head or raise your eyebrows if you don’t follow what they are saying.
V: Don’t tap your foot because this will show impatience.
VI: Don’t look at your watch unless you really have to know the time, (and then you should tell the other person why you need to know the time). If you show impatience then the other person will lose the moment of friendship which they are offering.
A good listener has magic! A good listener has the ability to make people feel good, and is as valuable at a party as a good talker. But just listening isn’t enough. One should listen intelligently by trying to find out what the other person would really like to communicate.
第一次去倫敦的時(shí)候，我還是個(gè)學(xué)生。參加派對(duì)的時(shí)候，我自己獨(dú)自一個(gè)人坐在中間，品著自己的葡萄酒。我希望有人會(huì)走到我面前說(shuō)：“打擾了，我希望您不會(huì)介意我這樣冒昧地走到您面前，我不想打擾您……可您確實(shí)是這個(gè)房間里唯一一位看起來(lái)很有趣的人!我能和您聊會(huì)嗎?”
可這從未發(fā)生過(guò)!
如果你想成為一名優(yōu)秀的會(huì)話者，這里有一些建議：作一名忠實(shí)的聽(tīng)眾;鼓勵(lì)他人談?wù)撟约?要讓別人對(duì)自己感興趣，首先要對(duì)別讓感興趣。要問(wèn)別人樂(lè)意回答的問(wèn)題;鼓勵(lì)他們談?wù)撟约汉徒榻B他們都做過(guò)什么事。
記住，和你談話的人，他們對(duì)自己和他們問(wèn)題的興趣要比對(duì)你和你的問(wèn)題高一百倍。對(duì)一個(gè)人來(lái)說(shuō)，他的牙痛要遠(yuǎn)比在中國(guó)有一百萬(wàn)人被餓死的饑荒還要重大。一個(gè)人胳膊上的疼痛要比在非洲發(fā)生四十幾次地震還要讓人關(guān)注。
希臘哲學(xué)家Diogenes(有人說(shuō)他曾經(jīng)住過(guò)桶里)說(shuō)：“我們?nèi)祟愑袃芍欢浜鸵粡堊斓脑蚓褪俏覀內(nèi)祟愐嗦?tīng)少說(shuō)!”
你知道怎樣和人打交道嗎? 你感到害羞過(guò)嗎?什么場(chǎng)合讓你害羞了?你時(shí)常感到自己不知道該怎樣引起別人對(duì)你的興趣，不知道該這樣和別人開(kāi)玩笑，不知道該怎樣和他們交談嗎?你總是絞盡腦汁地想找點(diǎn)話說(shuō)嗎?有人找借口想盡快離開(kāi)你嗎?
盡量去聽(tīng)別人說(shuō)話!這里有一些關(guān)于聽(tīng)別人說(shuō)話的建議。(我的一位鄰居在談?wù)撍暮⒆?上周的一天晚上，我和漢娜坐在一起，她對(duì)我說(shuō)：“你真是位了不起的母親!” 我說(shuō)：“你是突然說(shuō)這話的吧?” 她說(shuō)：“哎呀，盡管你總是很忙，可你總是能夠停下干你手頭的活聽(tīng)我說(shuō)話。”
“要多聽(tīng)少說(shuō)。”(哈姆雷特)
航空工作人員要經(jīng)過(guò)培訓(xùn)如何去聽(tīng)抱怨，如果他們能表示出同情，并且能夠耐心聽(tīng)聽(tīng)旅客的問(wèn)題，那么他們的問(wèn)題就不會(huì)那么嚴(yán)重。
心理學(xué)家、咨詢?nèi)藛T和醫(yī)生也都知道聽(tīng)是他們工作的一部分。
I: 讓別人感到你在聽(tīng)他們說(shuō)話。
II: 注視對(duì)方。
III: 常常面帶微笑，頻頻點(diǎn)頭表示你聽(tīng)懂了對(duì)方。
IV: 如果不懂就搖搖頭或者皺皺眉，讓對(duì)方知道調(diào)整講話內(nèi)容。
V: 別用腳敲地板，免得別人誤會(huì)你聽(tīng)得不耐煩了。
VI: 別看手表，除非你確實(shí)需要知道時(shí)間(看的話你需要告訴其他人你看時(shí)間的原因)。如果你表現(xiàn)出不耐心的話，對(duì)方也回將友誼收回來(lái)。
好的聽(tīng)眾很有魔力!一個(gè)好的聽(tīng)眾要有讓人感覺(jué)舒服的本領(lǐng)，好的聽(tīng)眾在參加派對(duì)時(shí)與一個(gè)優(yōu)秀的說(shuō)話者同等重要。但是只是一味的聽(tīng)是不夠的，你要聰明地聽(tīng)，并且明白對(duì)方是在傳達(dá)什么信息。
